It was a turning point in my Life. It definetly changed my way of thinking on a lot of things. Sometimes I wonder "What triggered it?" But then I wonder that maybe it was of my own doing, years and years of self training to get to that point. Then I think, "Maybe it was there all along and I was too scared to see it?"
Whatever the case may be, it happened and I'm happy it did. It gave me a new outlook on Life and a new way of looking at how this world and Life operates. More than anything it made me understand how I operate and who I truly am (Something I'm still figuring out).
It's funny that I say that I'm still trying to figure out myself because all my Life I've been known as a person with an original personality (something I always knew was there) but, what I had to ask myself "Am I being myself or was I forcing myself to be something else?" I questioned myself, in more ways than one. I questioned who was I before? Who am I right now? Why do I do the things I do? Where do all my antics stem from? Was I just simply 'showing my ass off'? Was I trying to be somebody I saw? Was I trying to be coolest guy ever? And am I being real and honest to myself?
I found answers and I accepted them all. Some answers I found in unexpected places, some answers I found in places I never wanted to experience(or looked deep enough within myself) and some answers I knew all along, I just did not want to accept them within myself.
The experience I had lead to my personal rebirth all of which happened within an instant but, it was the most intense/horrifying/satisfying/scary/beautiful instant ever. It was every emotion piled into maybe about half a second that felt like an entire planet had been taken off my back and only one word can describe that feeling... Love.
True Love, something everybody has been searching for but what is "True Love"? It is the Love within yourself for yourself.
I was always relient on other people to kinda judge how I felt about myself. I guess you can say I was trying to gauge where I was held in this world compared to other people. Then it hit me like a cinderblock falling from the sky. I AM AMAZING!!!! I am glorious, daring, everchanging, everlasting, ambitious, loving, caring, understanding, truthful, etc etc etc yadi-yada-yada....
At first I thought it was because I finally gained the Love and power within myself to be and do whatever it is I wanted. Then what I found out is that, it was in me the whole time and from that I realized my own worth and potential. From the day I was born I had the potential to be and do whatever it was I choose, I was just too blind to see it.
It's like(and kinda like everybody else) I put everyone in this world on a hierarchy scale. I thought some people were higher than others, worth more as a individual but, why? What makes anybody truly higher than anybody else?
The materialistic boundaries that we put on ourselves where we gauge other people(and mostly ourselves) hold us back in soo many ways that it's quite amazing. I also fell into this hole of materialism and for years I would question myself "Why is anybody higher than anbody else? because they own a iPhone? Or have more money? Or because they own a fancy car?" I never knew a answer to this because I was too afraid to look outside the materialistic world I put myself in.
Personal wealth, your own Spirituallity, whatever you want to call it, that's our true worth. I honestly thought people were better than me and I was doing something wrong because I was still riding the bus(and still am), because they had more disposable income, seeing other people work less and get paid more than I, so in short I judged myself based on other people. Television didn't make it any better. I was kind of addicted to watching "The Fabulous Life..." on VH1, seeing how millionaires and billionaires lived these lavious Lives while I was still in East Orange mooping about what I didn't have.
The funny thing is I was actually a fortunate person. Growing up I had Lived with at one time both my parents(we don't need to go into details of my daddy issues), I always had cooked food, I wouldn't say I always got what I wanted because I was far from spoiled but I got a decent amount of things that I wanted, now if you compared my Life to some of my friends, I WAS Living the fabulous life, I was just too worried about what the next person had that I didn't. Even into my adulthood when I got a job and actually bought my own things, my own video games, my own TV, paid my own rent, paid for my own equipment, I still couldn't appreciate my own hard work because, again, I was too worried about what other people had that I didn't.
In a sense, you can say blame this on television or how we are programmed to base our Lives on material objects, but ultimately I had to blame myself. I did not want to see my own worth as a person. The crazy thing is random people would come into my Life to try and tell me these things but I wouldn't want to hear them. They would tell me things like "You're better than what you made yourself to be! You can rise above!"(quote Mr. Sparman my English III teacher my senior year) and I really wouldn't want to hear that. I would nod my head in agreeance but say to myself "Man!! I'm a regular ass dude! Ain't nothing truly special about me!" but what they were saying was the TRUTH!!! The truth really does hurt, especially when it's about finding yourself when you're lost within yourself.
The darkness that we put ourselves in can only be illuminated by the light that is within ourselves. This goes back to what I said in a previous blog about 'Mental Slavery', how can somebody else have control over YOUR mind?!! We are the controllers of our own Lives, we can choose our own paths, our own Lives, how great we can become, CONTROL YOURSELF AND CONTROL YOUR DESTINY!!!!
Life can be as easy or as hard as you make it. It's up to you on how you look at it. Is the cup always half full or is it always half empty? The choice is yours.
All this knowledge about Life came within that split second that changed my life.
The Experience: 1/26/2012
I was in my room with Gu, Andrea and maybe my sister and another person and we were watching TV in there because the TV was in my room at the time. A couple of blunts were being passed around and as they burnt down to roaches I started to lay down and I closed my eyes. I didn't think anything of it, I thought it was just a regular night at my apartment. As I closed my eyes, I went into a relaxed state which transcended to me going into a deep thought process. Little did I know but, at the time I was going into a deep meditative state. I was meditating without even realizing it and what I kept questioning was, my Life. Everything that had led up to that point, all the good, all the bad and everything in between. I was scared because I was finally facing all my demons but, I was relieved becuase I was finally facing all my demons. Everything I had faced, every battle lost, all my sorrow and all that had been causing me pain throughtout my Life had finally reached it's breaking point and I had enough. One of two things was going to happen was going to be in a worse state of fear and anguish than ever before and which probably would've led to my downfall or I was going to find a new understanding of Life and finally let go of all that had been bothering me.
I was screaming at myself on the inside, a scream of pain. The fear tried to fully consume me. I was in a state of distress but all the while, I remained calm.
It was a battle of myself, within myself. You can say it was the forces of good vs the forces of evil. All of the good was a manifestation of what was inside of me but so was all of the evil. But something happened...
I started to not be afraid of myself. I started to lose the fear of myself. I started to accept my past. I started to believe that all that had happened was suppose to happen so I can get to this point. All that I experienced was a learning experience. The knowledge I aquired over time had help me make the best decisions for me and everyone around me. Some things not in the best or most ideal fashion but it had to happen in that way(for whatever reason... I just know it was for the best at that moment).
The moment had arrived and I had to make a decision, was I going to hold on to everything and walk around with all my baggage or was I going to let go and be free from myself? I choose to be free.
As soon as I made that decision, my mind started spinning, it felt like the world was physically changing around me, almost nothing made sense about what was happening inside of me and in some ways, outside of me too. The most awesome nightmare ever.
A voice then came into my head, I thought it was just my own thoughts or maybe the weed but it felt soo real. Kind of like a energy was surrounding me and another being was talking to me. It told me in a very weird, strong, creepy, trusting and supremly Loving manner "YOU COULD'VE BEEN ANYTHING YOU WANTED TO BE!!! YOU COULD'VE BEEN RAPPER, A BASKETBALL PLAYER, A BLACK BELT, WHATEVER YOU WANTED TO BE!!!" It was like the force or energy that was around me had been there for my whole Life and it knew every step I ever made but what was even more amazing was that I felt one with it.
I was scared and a little hurt because I started thinking "Wow, I wasted my life..." then it told me "NO!! YOU CAN STILL DO WHATEVER IT IS YOU STRIVE TO DO!!! YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT!!!" Then a sense of joy came over me like a blanket of bliss had been wrapped around me, it was virtually nothing short of divine. I felt free, no more burdens on my chest, no more lugging around my Lifes pain. All I had was myself, the present moment in time and Life and that was all I needed. All the tools I ever needed to succeed was right in front of me the whole time!!!
A very unusual part about this experience was the whole time I had my eyes closed, the TV was playing and all the audio that the was coming out of the TV felt as if whatever questions I was asking myself, it sort of had an answer for me, communicating with me. Maybe it was suppose to happen like that or a coincidence, or maybe it was part of the experience that was the energy around me, who knows...
I opened my eyes. I felt a new understanding on Life, I felt like a completely new person. We change over time all the time but this time was different for me. It felt like my Life was finally moving forward. I was no longer locked into my past, I was finally moving forward towards the future in the present moment. I guess when I opened my eyes and came out of this meditative state, I had a look of shock on my face because everyone kind of looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I told them I was fine. Actually, I was more than okay, I felt great. I aquired a sense that nothing can stop me. The only thing that can stop me is myself. I appreciated the Life I Lived and looked forward to the future with no worries and no fear of the unknown that is waiting ahead. I went to sleep knowing the next day and that day forward was only the begining to a whole new chapter of my Life. My begining had finally begun.
The next day, I woke up feeling jubuliant and amazing. I did my morning rituals(shit, shower, smoke) and got ready for the work day ahead. As I headed out the door, it didn't hit me until that moment that it was January and we've been experiencing Summertime weather. I knew it wasn't right but I decided not to worry about it as I would have before. I came to the conclusion that I couldn't change it, so I'm going to enjoy it while it's here. I didn't just enjoy that the weather was abnormally beautiful for this time of the year, I decided to enjoy every little moment of Life while it was here. I found a new appreciation for Life. I wasn't going to force Life anymore, instead, I was going to let Life be and go with it's flow. I started to also notice alot of thoughts I had in my head that would either bother me or keep me worried or keep me in my own darkness, suddenly weren't there anymore. I became a brand new person and all I had to do was let go and BOOM in an instant, Life happened.
Throughtout the day, I felt happy. It was a pure happiness, coming only from the fact that I was simply alive. I let Life flowed and Life just started happening for me. If I needed something, it was there. If I was in a situation, it resolved itself. I wasn't trying to force anything, I literally was just going with the flow and simply floating on the Oceans of Life. I had finally saw the true error to my ways, it wasn't anybody else, it wasn't my material possessions, it was simply me.
Before, I was not going with the flow of Life, I was not letting myself truly be me, I was forcing Life to go in a way that it didn't have planned for me. The funny thing is no matter how hard you try, Life is going to make you go in the path it wants you go towards regardless if you like it or not, it's just up to you to enjoy and appreciate the ride or fight it and trust me, you can't win in a fight against Life. The more you try to fight Life, the more you'll go down in a spirial of hate, anger and pain until you ultimately hit the bottom and you'll be left with a ultimatum of finally letting Life be and crawl back to the surface or continue downward into the personal abyss that you can make Life be.
I continued to move forward with Life, I made a decision within myself to have aquire a better understanding of myself and expand my knowledge of Life, Love, this planet and all that is in this universe. I know I have only but scratched the surface but the surface is already amazing.
Peace.Love.Happiness :-)
I LOVE YOU!! :-*
