fighting to fight and fighting away from fighting

Some days, I just want to sit home and just cry.  Those are the days I stand up and fight.  But fight what?  What am I fighting for?  Above all, what is it I'm fighting?

Maybe I am suppose to just sit home and cry for this one day, but for what?  What purpose do I have for that?  The more reasons I see to sit home and cry, the more I'm seeing to stand up and fight.  Now I ask again 'what am I fighting for?'

Am I fighting for what's right?
Am I fighting for redemption for my past?
Am I fighting just simple laziness?
Or am I just fighting for me?

Now I ask...

Am I fighting what is right?

I ask I ask I ask I ask...

The answer remains the same.  Move on, let go.

The more I understand, the more I get lost.  I gave Life questions, Life gave me more questions.  Life gave me answers and those answers made me rethink all the questions I had for it.

"Just when you think you have all the answers, I change the questions!" -- Roddy "Rowdy" Piper

I Live...  I Love...  I don't know any answers and I sure as hell have a lot of questions.  I'm only 25 years old.  I know for a fact there's more to come.  More to endure, more to learn, more to appreciate, more to Love, more inspiration, more to inspire.

I smile as I read this because as triumphant and enlightening I tried to make it, it still has 'morbid sad Joe' written all over it.  Maybe.  Maybe that's just me.  That's who I'm suppose to be?  Maybe.  But I'm just going to be....

Peace
:-)

April 15, 2013 4:11am EST

Wow...  I haven't had these thoughts in awhile...  A long while at that.  I thought it was gone and I overcomed it.  Maybe I've been thinking about it for awhile and now I've finally come to a point where I must face them.

Suicide.

When I first had them, I was maybe 16(emotional as fuck).  That was the first time I had them as recurring thoughts.  The first time the initial thought of suicide was when I was maybe 11-12ish...  I wasn't happy at school(picked on), home wasn't a happy place at all(pops kinda didn't know what he was doing and mom...  I honestly don't know...  'Was she there for me or him?' I asked myself constantly).

Fuck it...  Each day is tougher than the last, right?  Fuck it, fight through it and endure...

Even if the enemy is yourself

HxC:  Out