Sitting Here Waiting

4:45am

I'm sitting in Penn Station looking at folks trying to get a nights sleep.  Everyone with their eyes closed are either napping waiting for a train and some are sleeping waiting on a home.  I can say this for a fact because at least 4 late nights out of the week, I'm here going home and I see the exact same faces waiting...just waiting.  Some look less shabbier than others but there is a constant amongst them.

Today, I'm late so I have to catch the 21 and I see a new crop of faces but the constant is still the same.  Stressed facial expressions, worned out shoes, clothes varies, territorial, and either sleeplessly awake or sleeping with one eye open, always ready to protect what's theirs.  Very polite or rude, I would like to help each of them but all I can think about is how I don't wind up in this position or worse.  Not even a day.

I spent the train ride reflecting on myself and how to better myself but seeing this gave me a sense of how quickly Life can change.  What more reason do I need to stay on my toes and stay afloat above the poverty that's already at my neck?  Pinching pennies with work that taxes my body, pushing myself to reach new plateaus for myself, maintaining a mental and emotional balance so I won't drive myself mad and I wonder...was it finances thay brought them here?  Were they reaching a dream and it crumbled around them?  Did they lose their mental or emotional stability?

Sit at a train station for a little while and you'll notice the many MANY different paths of Life.  I'm willing to assume I sat between a rich man, a poor man, a poor but happy man, a rich and wealthy woman, a kid with infinite hope and a kid who lost all of it.  Honestly, I'm venting but it makes me feel grateful right now.  I'm going to take what little I have and make the absolute best with it and watch it all evolve and grow.

Til 5:30am when I'll be on my way home but it's 5:10am now, so I'll be patient and sit til then.

HELP ME!!!!  I LOVE YOU ALL!!!  BUT YOU ALL BRING OUT A ANGER AND HATE THAT I DON'T LIKE!!!  I DON'T WANT TO HURT ANYBODY!!!!  I SHED TEARS TODAY BECAUSE I SEEN MY LIFE AND MY ANGER!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS GET CRITIQUED?!!!  WHY AM I ALWAYS THE SCAPEGOAT?!!!  BLAME JOE!!  LAUGH AT JOE!!  RIDICULE ME ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUCKING LOVE, LIVE AND FUCKING HELP!!!
Keeping my grammar in a emotional vent because it would piss off but sometimes I'm like fuck it!!  I Love you all..I hate you all too!!!  It ain't no fucking attention, it's my Life.   Unless you can tell me what I was doing May 2, 1999 DON'T TELL ME SHIT ON HOW I SHOULD LIVE MY LIFE!!!  Yes, I don't even know what I did that day but your Life only makes sense to you!!  You're actions and reactions, FUCK YOU IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE!!!  I Love me but memories of other make me hate me at times and fucking holding back tears...still am...yes...I literally waited to see if I would cry again FUCK OFF!!  I just want to Live and lead my Life and I am but why is it always "You're good Joe but..." and then thats followed by a nothing reason!!!  I feel like I've always been under a microscope waiting for the Joe fuck up.  I usually alright until someone becomes a fucking critic always...."helping".  YOU CAN ONLY HELP YOURSELF!!!!  Soo much shit (I'm thinking now) probably was fine but why alter my course or why tell me to alter my course when I'M FUCKING HAPPY WITH MY COURSE!!!?

FUCK ALL OF YOU BUT I STILL LOVE ALL OF YOU!!!  It's like I want to break the bond with everyone in my Life but something won't let me.  Weed out the real from the fake but I'm left with more answers.  It's like the only pure person I know is Eugene...VERY FUCKING CONSISTENT!!!  I never ever ever doubted where the fuck he stood.  Person I respected the most, my brother, always support my growth when I was younger as I got older...I feel shame in him of me.  AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH?!!  SORRY I DIDN'T GROW TO BE THE PERSON YOU WANTED ME TO BE...I BECAME WHO I WANTED TO BE...can't be happy with me unless it's the way you envisioned me to be on March 24, 1988 huh?  My mom...I'm just never good enough.  I'm always lacking....I think....I know I get criticized by her because she doesn't see herself as good enough, soo she does try to push me better but what she doesn't realize is yes, I could help me out in the "real world" but what if I doesn't help the world I actually want for myself?  Does she even know the simple question of "What's my favorite video game series?"....only folks who actually were patient with me know that answer and how much that really really really really really REALLY REALLY means to me.

"What's soo important about a video game?" If that's anywhere near your response then....fuck off, you ABSOLUTELY were not patient with me.  It's soo easy and soo meaningful to me and brought GREAT IMMENSE JOY TO ME!!  Life lessons, some knowledge, hella wisdom.  One in paticular is nobody is a villian and nobody is hero.  We all have our own cause for our own Lives.

I resented Kak---Goku for years until about 2 years ago, more or less because I realized how much of me is in him.  Idealistic, hungry all the time, weak and overlooked and built myself up, great concern for my Love ones and I want to do right by myself, my friends, family and the world.  I still Love Vegeta.  His arrogance, intelligence, pride and drive for perfection always gives me someone to root for despite all of his flaws.  I like the anti-hero (Wolverine, Seto Kaiba, Sesshomaru...not Sasuke though, I like Naruto, Choji and Shikamaru way better, I relate with all of them combined)

I'm not the average person.  What is the average person?  I bet EVERYBODY is going to have a different answer.  Make ut simpler the average American, the average Jersey folk, average N.Y. person, the average person from Newark?  What is average?

I think we all have flaws and talents that are like stats.  Some people have a +5 in strength, some a +2 in wisdom or -4 in wisdom so on so forth etc etc that we all wind up coming out average in a sense, now just do the best with your average ass because everyone is technically average.  The weak man can be the beast in the future.

I needed this vent.  *sigh* I just did that lol.  About 4 years ago, I wanted to runaway and escape to a log cabin in the middle of the woods and just erase myself off the world and come back when I felt I was ready to leave self-isolation.  I was unemployed at that time so figuratively, Halsted St was my log cabin at that time and I spent ALL of 2012 from Jan 26 in a spiritual awakening destroying and rebuilding myself.  I still find many things to improve myself it never ever ends why stop?  I'm not dead yet to stop.  Now, I live by myself in a studio apartment and this really has become that log cabin where I reflect, vent and dissect myself.  I would be perfect if I could scream as loud as I can at 6am but neighbors and shit.  I did let out a few good screams though lol.  I had to let it out, the anger, frustration, sadness and negativity from my Life and everyone else.

I'm ok now.  Definitely better.  I'm going to take this shower, workout, rehearse songs  and maybe talk to Phil about the mastering of my album.

Ok, I'm done with this.

I don't have anything to prove to anybody but I still feel like I do...fuck it whatever.  I'm not going to die with the same 'what ifs' and regrets of today!!!  I'M GOING TO BE 100 AND HEALTHY WITH MORE TO GO!!!  I'm going to pass down my genes and give this knowledge and willpower goes to my family!!  My wife, my kids, our happiness, our LIVES!!!  I Love them too in the future.

I was about to write more but I erased it and I'm forcing this to a end.

I Love you all.  I Love me too but I feel like I got find the spark again like a intimate relationship with your spouse lol.  That laugh reminded me of something I'm not sure of lol.  Oh well MUAH  I Love you, me.