It sucks but it is what it is. Honestly, I don't give a fuck about much at the moment besides myself. I'm not revealing much. I'm not talking about much to others. I want this moment to myself.
I kinda don't care who I hurt in the process. If you got to leave because of it, fine. So far, the ones most effected by it kinda were pretty selfish with my time anyway.
I would like to feel loved but I don't. I don't want that to be a burden on others either. I don't want "a rock" to lean in. I got to stand for myself. Lowkey, I kinda wanted someone else to be my peace. Probably why I was searching soo hard for love.
It's funny how for me, having someone else around me keeps me on my toes. It's like having a barometer of effort around me. I'm forced to progress. I got someone around me to impress. But thats not healthy. I got to impress myself.
When I think of this, I think of Jade. Jade was willing to be around me and do whatever for me. She was a supportive girlfriend. She also was very complacent. I heard the phrase, "If you like it, I love it" too many times from her. I wasn't being pushed. She brought something to the table but not enough for me and maybe I didn't either. We had a incomplete table altogether.
So what do I want? I want inner strength to kinda blindly just move and progress on my own. I can get in a mood or lose track of time, easily. This forces me to push thing for tomorrow. In reality, I want just a little push.
I still sound like I'm asking for someone, which I do want. I don't want to be reliant on someone though. I want my own effort to do the talking and walking for me.
This past year has shown how well I can be when I have a supportive partner. I shouldn't need a partner for my own drive.
I think in the end, I just want to feel loved. I feel it when I'm around some people but I feel soo alone when I'm alone. In that darkness, that's my key to success. I need myself to push myself.
I love myself but I hate a lot of my actions. There are days when reminiscing can bring me down. Too much nostalgia isn't great. Living in old moments, good or bad, holds on to those same emotions and way of thinking. Then I start thinking of how others would project their insecurities on to me, then I'm reminded why I stay alone when I can. I physically and mentally can and have done very well when I'm reliant on my own effort.
I know what I can do. That's why these days, I'm less worried about who is around in the end. In the end, if I need anybody I need really strong people around me. Having weak emotional people around me brings their projection. I'm a very strong person, so to them I'm always dangerous or doing too much. No. I'm doing enough for my goals using my full capabilities.
