Same Old, Same Old: Hope Can Be Dope

This is the part where I fall in Love again.
This is the end and where it all begins.
This is how I fall apart again.
These are mistakes and I never learn from them.
But sometimes a glimmer of hope is all that you'll need.
So I keep on trying until it's alright.

Every September, a new flame ignites.
Every October, a conflict comes to light.
Every November, I decide what's worth the fight.
Every December, a struggle brings me new Life.
But I hope this coming January, I can find the one to marry.
The days and months that are going by gives me hope that it's worth the time.
Maybe I just need wait for "the right time" where I lock eyes with you and I and we just know we're each others 'mine'...or that's just fantasy?

It can hurt when you have more to give, but I have to keep my strong heart in...but really it's to the world.

Win this prize and you might be surprised how much I can give Love in such super size.  I might show a brick wall but the hasn't been a wall that could reach the sky and neither one that could wrap the earth.  So are up for my travels?  Can you walk with me to anywhere?  And can you stand with me no matter how shaggy I get?

I hope so.

;-)

It was a long time ago...yesterday.

You always held a torch to my heart.
Days and years past and I still don't feel apart from you.
I still remember the way you kiss.
Your touch was so soft and Loving.
A delicious poison you were, yet some days I fantasize about you saying, "You Love me." again.

Our moments were never like fine wine, they were always more like 6 shots of vodka,mixing whisky and Hennessey.  It might sound fun, we might have fun but towards the end of that night and the next morning, we're going to regret it.

Could there be another day for us?
We'll never know.
Will there be fantasies about each other?
We probably do everyday.
Can we talk to each other and converse like the old days?
I'm starting to think the 'familiar stranger' approach is better.
Would I feel anger, regret, pain and sadness if we would ever say "hi" again?
No...actually a very pleasant smile will come about my face.

I sure do hope we can have another conversation where we leave in a good mood.  I don't like to Live with ill feelings towards anybody or having awkward, uncomfortable moments with someone that meant soo much to me.  I would Love to have that closure with you before either of us pass away. 

I don't want to hear about you passing and get upset and regret that we didn't close that casket with each other and made it water under the bridge.  I don't want soo much time to pass that when I do hear about your passing it means nothing to me but a distant memory.  I hope you feel the same way, so we can be on the same page when we come together face to face...maybe I just need to relieve myself of these strong emotions of you but never forget the memory of you.

It was a short time in our Lives but a lot of lessons were learned and growth was made.  We needed that moment.  We were both in make or break moments in our Lives.  We found pillows within each other for us.  We had terrible moment but still had this weird trust for each other.

But....

You're over there and I'm over here.
It might have been a long time ago but sometimes I want to shed tears for you.
Old memories and emotions arise.
To my surprise, I judge my next mates off the standard you made.
You probably thought you were lower but really you I held you over everything.
I hope one day I can think of you and not bring back emotions of you.
But maybe that's because I never felt a Love like you before.
You could've been more but now you're in the past.
I hope to see you one day and on that day I hope that we can reassure each other that everything is OK.

Strong Emotions For Someone When You're Not Sure If They Feel The Same Way Too

I haven't been in a relationship in soo long, I hope I do no wrong.
A nice woman to touch, a nice woman to hold.
A hot warm plate to come home to.
She doesn't have to be perfect.
She doesn't even have to know how to cook.
I just want to look her in the eyes and know that I won my ultimate prize.
Love her despite any changes in her size.
Give her a guy that can make her forget where her insecurities lie.
I just want to protect, Love, cherish this one particular woman.
The feelings I hold strong since she got me wide open.
I try to not confuse sex, a crush, Love and lust.
It's been a minute since I began the journey to let her know that I'm someone she can trust.
I'm not trying to hold her down, I want to bring her up and make her feel more free despite no longer being single.
I'm reaching for my chance.
I'm begging the universe for one more glance each day without her.
I don't want her to feel sour.
I don't want her to feel overpowered.
I don't want her to feel hovered over.
I don't want to make her think, "I can't wait until this is over."
I just want her to feel a queen who doesn't need a crown.  I see her face, I hear her name, I automatically bow.
I want to give you something more.
I want to dedicate my time to you.
Please find me somewhere in your heart.
I see the wall you built.  You even have snipers on top ready to kill.
I come in peace to you.  I hope you feel the same way too...

A Strange Love

I fell in Love with a stranger again.
We locked eyes for the first time and the moment was truly bliss.
I had no strength to ask you out.
You were going one way and I was going mine.
My body quivered as our glances said all but a kiss.
If we meet again, I hope we could act on this.
Open noses and hearts.
The Love struck me like a bullseye from a dart.
Fast, electric, sudden, on-point and successful.
Success might be exaggerated because... well...
I had that feeling before. 
It lasted a lot longer than a glance and had a lot more heartbreaks and blood rushes were involved, good and bad.

You lingered in my mind for awhile.
Your image spoke soo many things and fantasies that will more than likely never exist with you...but still I fantasize.

I look back to see if you were there.
You were but I only got to see your backside.
Wondering to myself if I even mattered at all in that moment.
I saw eternity but who knows what you saw.
I must be a loser because I'm lost between Love and lust with a stranger.
You could be pleasure, danger, stranger than me, rich, poor, a bitch, a whore or my destined mi amor.

The infinite possibilities expand even wider as I keep you in my thoughts.
A romantic dinner for two, my eyes glued to you?
A old school skating trip hoping we don't slip and the DJ yells out, "SHE CAN'T SKATE AND HE CAN'T HOLD HIS OWN WEIGHT!"?
Movies could be the simple ice breaker?
Where could I take her?... Nowhere, she's gone forever.

The moment was great.
The glance was no mistake.
The fire within our eyes might have just been our surprise.
You might have been looking at one thing but I was surely was looking at one thing. It was you and in that moment you could have been my forever.

Satisfied?

Satisfaction is the death of desire?
So dissatisfaction is the beginning of inspiration?
I guess that's right based on how I feel right now.  Maybe I just ran into another obstacle?  Maybe my job has finally taken its toll on me?  I am dissatisfied with how my employment has done to by day to day Life.  When I'm at work I feel the need to write, practice some vocals, create and reconnect with Loved ones.  I feel disconnected in a way.  I'm maintaining but...  is there more to it?

Today.

Sometimes, it can feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me.  An exaggeration, of course but there are times when you wish that all your efforts could come full circle and you can find and achieve that goal you have been working for.  An easier Life?  I don't think there is one for anyone.

I believe how you handle situations and how you use your resources makes the difference.  I'm striving to make my goals achieved but a roadblock in the way seems to be inevitable.  Can't get mad at it, I just push forward hoping I can create the Life I believe I can have.

Today, I went to work, didn't get to do any work, came home bittersweet early knowing I wouldn't get paid for the day and found myself losing hope and motivation with a growling stomach.  What I learned from that situation was I couldn't change the fact that I missed a day of work that could've been in my control.  I came to work and my driver already had another helper in his truck.  A part of me felt like that's what he wanted but I can't assume that.  I came late, I waited to see if there would be any more work but I eventually left.

By time I came home I felt a great hunger come upon me.  I was losing my drive until I told myself, "the only thing you can do for yourself right now that will be really positive is get something to eat."  It sounds gluttonous but it wasn't.  I wasn't getting something to eat because I wanted it to cure my current depression, no.  I wanted something to eat because my body wanted me to feed it nourishment.  My dilemma with that was I absolutely did not want the chicken shack or Dunkin Donuts.

A feeling of acceptance came over me.  It was 11:00pm, everywhere else was closed, I had just missed the Chinese restaurant for vegetable and white rice, McDonald's is not a choice in my diet and walking to Checkers would've been just as bad.  I had to accept my choices were limited.

Acceptance was the lesson of the day, definitely.  I didn't make it to work on time to get work:  Accepted.  I had limited choices on what I could eat since the was nothing in the fridge:  Accepted.  I woke up late because when I came home I was on the phone with Comcast that whole morning:  Accepted.  When I did wake up, I did slack to actually make it there earlier than I did:  Accepted.  I had no choice but to accept it all, for me, against me, in my control and out of my control.

On my way back home, I waited at the 94 bus stop and I focused in on the current situation I was in.  Going home, no pay, waiting on the bus, watching others walk and drive past me and I had a 'In-The-Moment' moment.  I saw how I couldn't go back.  What was done is already done.  Outside of the spot I was standing in in Irvington, NJ, Life and everything else was moving by regardless.  It was a scary moment that in that second did get me worried but I accepted that too.  It was scary because I was kinda mooping on the inside due to my current situation but as soon as I saw that Life will always move on, I moved on.  I even started light exercising, stretching and vocal warm ups just to pass the time.  I felt like, if I was going to just stand there waiting for the bus I might as well do something productive with myself.  That did felt good, I'll tell you that even though I was still upset, eventually I knew I would get over it and I jumped on it.

So, I'm in bed now.  Fed myself, entertained myself with some Dragonball GT and after a few episodes I got tired and wound up here.  Played a little guitar, talked to Gu for a little bit even saw him in Shack while I was waiting for my order (Italian Chicken Cheesesteak).  It all could've worked out better but you have to do what it is your body and mind tells you to do. 

Tomorrow, I'm just going to continue to make those steps forward so that I can achieve and gain what I want to gain.  Each day just strive towards that ultimate goal.  I'm learning that it will come one day, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day it will.  I'm learning not to stress when I finish each day and didn't attain it.  Maybe I am gaining it each day, just as each day passes, one other piece of the puzzle is given to me.

One day, I will have my puzzle completed and I might start a new puzzle.  I'll see and I hope so.  I Love me enough to know each day is just another day to learn more about myself and to make each day a better day for myself.  I Love myself, I really do.  I do want to kiss myself right now lol.  MUAH!!!!!!!!!  Me :-)

:-*

I Fell In Love Because Physically Not Being Alone Seemed Like A Good Idea

All of the best is worth to endure to aquire.  That's why this Love and this pain is one in the same.  To be inspired to make moves to gain something you can't lose.  There will be times whew you'll feel the Blues and that's the time when it's best to put the metaphorical car on cruise.

The flow of this traffic can be tragic.  Not sure if it's rush hour or a race because even the speed limit reads 88.  I'm keeping up with the flow of this though my Check Engine light keeps coming on so I'm not sure how long I can go with this.  An empty lane is to the side of me but that usually means something is coming up ahead.

I keep speeding and speeding, swerving out of this lane and that, never to find a flow that works good with me.  Hopefully, these others cars can find a flow that works with me but their destination is there, at that time, mines is here, at this time.

After awhile I started not to give a fuck about the speed.  Give me the ticket, I DON'T CARE!  I slowed down to sixty and then put the car on cruise and suddenly, everybody else knew what to do. 

Personally, I thought I was going to hit a collision or get rear-ended and find my trunk missing...  but I'm alive, soo...

The lane next to me was still empty after all of that.  I never saw a tow truck or a cop giving someone a ticket.  It was just a empty lane.  Still, I wanted to know where the flow of this traffic will go.  So I stayed.
I safely moved into different lanes now.  A asshole here and there, a bitch who felt the lane was just for her only, someone considerate tried to let me in but someone else took my opening, I got in front of a lady in one lane but I had to leave because she was swerving to find her own lane...  Empathy.

So looked to the side again.  My magical open lane was still there.  I'm deeper into traffic now, I'll have to go over another lane but now traffic is isn't as clear.

I steer and I steer and eventually I get there.  I press down harder on the gas because I can, I reverse a few times because I can.  I even slowed down to 5, put the car on cruise, hopped out the whip, started Krumping and even had a Teen Wolf moment...  because I can.

I was free from everyone.  No one was in my way or could sneak up behind me.  If i stopped it was because I had to piss but other than that I kept moving and LO AND BEHOLD!!!

An obstacle is my way...

Not really an obstacle but a gap I have to jump.  I can't get into any other lanes, so,  "Please God, send me luck."  It's now or never, I have to make this gamble.  If the Universe is right, this is nothing I can't handle.  So on the count of 3 watch me break free.  No point in stopping because I've know I've been driving soo fast.  I should have the speed I need so let me feel the breeze.

1...2...3...WEEEEEE!!!!!!

And this how I'll have to end this story.

Draft Day Failure

I was to finish first but I ended last.
The best of the best with no broadcast.
All my Life was built toward this.
Now I just see whirlwinds and twist.
Betrayed by passion which killed desire, it wasn't for fashion because I wanted to do more than what the average person would aspire to do.

My dreams are fading, my vision is no longer what I created.
I worked soo hard for this just to throw away all of my other accomplishments.
I dedicated each day so I can move far from this.
I saw bright lights and smiling pictures.
A celebration that wouldn't end but in the end, I have to find another way to make a means to this end.

Eventually, I felt the cold wind blowing against me.
I thought I had the top spot, I didn't even have the bottom.
I didn't even count.
I did not even amount to a mere mention.
Did I come all this way for nothing?

They're might be other routes but this is what all that hard work was all about.
I'm truly in doubt.
I clearly see people watching a grown man pout and tear.

The table I sit at feels soo empty.
Yes, there are others but this was not my destiny.
I was promised the world at my fingertips. I would have all the jewels and unlimited money clips.
Houses, galore.
Yacts and battleships.
A castle that could house my entire kinship.
Friends and family would've been soo awake.  A prophecy fulfilled, now we can all just chill.

The fact of the matter is I must accept this ball and chain and find the key so I can truly be free.

But there is an advantage to this.

Suddenly, my lack of success brought home the most Love I could ever get.  The people that cared for me saw how hard this hit to the point where they felt it along with me.
Nobody else had to cry but I saw in their eyes how much they sympathized.
The ultimate dream:  shattered
My entire Life belief:  crumbled
The makings of me is just another mark on the green.

I had to find some confidence, so I seeked out a confidant.
My venting building towards a brand new me.  This path I couldn't see because I didn't believe this is how my Life could be.

A defiant walk towards the sea.
I couldn't walk on water but I had to believe.
My goal is still the same but in a different lane.
Not as loud as it use to be and not as fast as it could have been.

Life passes me by.
I watch others with the same fate fall into the deepest slumber.
I couldn't be that because I had a burning desire to feed my hunger.
There was more to it.
This new language, I HAVE TO be fluent.
Show me the hot coal path and you'll see my warpath.
The Rey Lewis ice cold bath is where you'll see me meditate at.
I have a burning desire to not make my dreams fade to black.
At this point, I can't fall back.

The Love in my heart sees only the fury.
The defiance in my head does not even care about the cash and jewlery.
The failure now fuels me.
A anger channeled towards succession.
A sight that's once again in one direction except...

I found if I look at the ground while walking, I will only see a point that's below me but if I look straight forward into the eyes of a man I will see the whole story.

I no longer let the fates control me.
I don't control the future but I am the writer of my story.
My emotions control my feet, my thoughts are where I speak, my Love drives my hands and my spirit defines me as a man.  On my own I can stand.
I am the story of one man but my story is all that I have in my hands.

Summer Love

It was summertime
The trees were out, the flowers had sprout
You were having a bad day but there was something about the way you pout.
I consoled you, selfishly, because deep down I wanted to hold you
We chatted about your day, we came together in a mysterious way, but HEY!!  All is fair in Love and war, right?
One thing led to another next thing you know I was laying on your chest, your bosom felt so soft against my face

My blood cells were in a race against one another.  Maybe it was the heat, maybe I was in heat but my heart kept saying, "Keep going, you got something good."  Maybe this was the feeling I was longing for.

A park, a movie, a show, beautiful weather that gave a cool breeze whenever the winds blowed and like how the trees and flowers blossomed and bloomed, I hope that what we have grows too.

A boxer trains for months for a fight that could last for only a few minutes but how do you prepare for a fight that's spiritual, emotional, physical and plan to make this last into the eternal?

You don't.  You just put your best foot forward, try a few things, make a few things happen, wait and endure to ensure that the passion here is pure and then just watch and see how far that rocket soars.

Love is Love.  We give it, we take it, we get it, we hold it, we mold it, sometimes fold it and save it for another day, sometimes we have to throw it away, sometimes it's just left out in the cold for it to stay until it can find it's own warm place to stay.  Love is Love.

Summer, Winter, Spring, Fall.  All Seasons of Love are beautiful like Doves flying out of its cage.  It can brew hate but Love finds a way that shows you that hate isn't a way you would want to shape your heart.

(There was a story to this right?)

So as our Summer Love grew, we knew we had to find a way to make this move and not remain stagnant in the trenches of soft, gentle eyes, star gazing nights, the most playful fights, 4th of July lights, sharing beautiful sights, I can't tell you what the Love of Christ really is but this Love here felt like the ultimate prize, it would make a mother cry tears of joy.

We marched towards that next step and to each other, we felt indebted.  You gave me something I was looking for and I gave you...  Something but you were happy with that something.  Hopefully, that something could turn into a ring but we might have go through a few more test to see if we both deserve that bling...bling.

The mood always seemed right.  The days and nights it rained...lets just say we knew how to make it rain too ;-)

This might've been born out of a summer Love but you could warm up the coldest winters(the whole 3 months of winter: 70 degrees with you).  Our soft, gentle eyes forever star gazing into each other displaying a very playful fight that could ignite the fire of all those 4th of July lights, sharing each other was our beautiful sight because I saw a Universe in you and my ultimate prize would be to make you a mother that would never cry.

Wishful thinking but kiss me and that'll tell you everything.  Kiss me and you'll know your my everything, kiss me and even if your Love can kill me, FUCK IT!!!!  KILL ME SO I DIE HAPPY!!!!!; Dashboard Confessional bars

Sunrise and sunset, where it begins and ends I don't know but our memories have already been set.  Can't hold on to everything but you I wouldn't mind holding on to physically, emotionally and/or spiritually.  Great things that can't last are always remembered but a memory of you in my past is a strong contender for my brain.  And I think you won that bout the first day we met...  Now kiss me dearly and freely until you feel you've had enough of me because I'm the one in Love. You won and I don't mind giving up that fight. :-)