Today.

Sometimes, it can feel like the weight of the world is pressing down on me.  An exaggeration, of course but there are times when you wish that all your efforts could come full circle and you can find and achieve that goal you have been working for.  An easier Life?  I don't think there is one for anyone.

I believe how you handle situations and how you use your resources makes the difference.  I'm striving to make my goals achieved but a roadblock in the way seems to be inevitable.  Can't get mad at it, I just push forward hoping I can create the Life I believe I can have.

Today, I went to work, didn't get to do any work, came home bittersweet early knowing I wouldn't get paid for the day and found myself losing hope and motivation with a growling stomach.  What I learned from that situation was I couldn't change the fact that I missed a day of work that could've been in my control.  I came to work and my driver already had another helper in his truck.  A part of me felt like that's what he wanted but I can't assume that.  I came late, I waited to see if there would be any more work but I eventually left.

By time I came home I felt a great hunger come upon me.  I was losing my drive until I told myself, "the only thing you can do for yourself right now that will be really positive is get something to eat."  It sounds gluttonous but it wasn't.  I wasn't getting something to eat because I wanted it to cure my current depression, no.  I wanted something to eat because my body wanted me to feed it nourishment.  My dilemma with that was I absolutely did not want the chicken shack or Dunkin Donuts.

A feeling of acceptance came over me.  It was 11:00pm, everywhere else was closed, I had just missed the Chinese restaurant for vegetable and white rice, McDonald's is not a choice in my diet and walking to Checkers would've been just as bad.  I had to accept my choices were limited.

Acceptance was the lesson of the day, definitely.  I didn't make it to work on time to get work:  Accepted.  I had limited choices on what I could eat since the was nothing in the fridge:  Accepted.  I woke up late because when I came home I was on the phone with Comcast that whole morning:  Accepted.  When I did wake up, I did slack to actually make it there earlier than I did:  Accepted.  I had no choice but to accept it all, for me, against me, in my control and out of my control.

On my way back home, I waited at the 94 bus stop and I focused in on the current situation I was in.  Going home, no pay, waiting on the bus, watching others walk and drive past me and I had a 'In-The-Moment' moment.  I saw how I couldn't go back.  What was done is already done.  Outside of the spot I was standing in in Irvington, NJ, Life and everything else was moving by regardless.  It was a scary moment that in that second did get me worried but I accepted that too.  It was scary because I was kinda mooping on the inside due to my current situation but as soon as I saw that Life will always move on, I moved on.  I even started light exercising, stretching and vocal warm ups just to pass the time.  I felt like, if I was going to just stand there waiting for the bus I might as well do something productive with myself.  That did felt good, I'll tell you that even though I was still upset, eventually I knew I would get over it and I jumped on it.

So, I'm in bed now.  Fed myself, entertained myself with some Dragonball GT and after a few episodes I got tired and wound up here.  Played a little guitar, talked to Gu for a little bit even saw him in Shack while I was waiting for my order (Italian Chicken Cheesesteak).  It all could've worked out better but you have to do what it is your body and mind tells you to do. 

Tomorrow, I'm just going to continue to make those steps forward so that I can achieve and gain what I want to gain.  Each day just strive towards that ultimate goal.  I'm learning that it will come one day, maybe not today or tomorrow but one day it will.  I'm learning not to stress when I finish each day and didn't attain it.  Maybe I am gaining it each day, just as each day passes, one other piece of the puzzle is given to me.

One day, I will have my puzzle completed and I might start a new puzzle.  I'll see and I hope so.  I Love me enough to know each day is just another day to learn more about myself and to make each day a better day for myself.  I Love myself, I really do.  I do want to kiss myself right now lol.  MUAH!!!!!!!!!  Me :-)

:-*