Fuck it.  Whatever.  Eh.  *shrugs*

Phrases like this keep me going but when shit flies into the fan, it feels shit having to say those things.  Fuck it, whatever, eh, *shrugs*.  I gave you my heart but fuck it.  I was willing to do whatever for, whatever.  Where's your clarity?  Eh.  What did you want from me?  *shrug*

I tried to get artsy with that but fuck it, whatever, eh, *shrugs*.......fuck off, that was better than the first.

Patience is a virtue because you need that for every single thing you're ever going to do.  But....deaf ears.  I'm especially a person, who requires patience for self and reciprocated.  I remain as calm as I can be but that calm is always sensitive.  I react with such emotion, my truth burst out.  Fuck it, whatever.  I just keep it moving and focus on my next move.  "Am I going grocery shopping?"

Why linger on bullshit?  This bullshit got me tonight.  Hope I can simply sleep it off but who knows.  If I feel you, I feel you.  I don't play with my love.  Love is something that's been really awesome in my Life but when it hurts...fuck.  You take the good with the bad though.  This is balance and reality.  Could I really expect a forever paradise?  I strive for it but I know the shit.  In this situation, I damn sure knew it was far from paradise.  No risk, no reward though and I'm glad I got to take a glimpse at you.  It's pretty cool.

......fuck it, whatever........eh *shrugs*

The Queen and I'm The Lonely Jester....fuckin a.....

I see you as great pleasure but also as great pain.
I know I can't be with you, yet I get as close as I can.
For that glimmer of hope is why bear and endure you.
I see you as the mountaintop even though you don't.
You know your flawed but your flaws bring logic to your perfection.
Why do I do this?
Why am I doing this?
I found a unicorn, I really did!
But I can't claim it, so the unicorn still runs along.
I wish you no harm.  If being with me does, then move along.
The only one who'll feel pain in this, is me.
How I've submitted to you.
How I've given my all to you.
I understand what I'm in and I'll guard you.
Protect you from that fall.
The season is Fall, the leaves are falling but your tree stands tall.  I'll make sure of that.
I wish the situation was perfect for you are perfect in my eyes.  You'll always have your flaws but those too put me in awe.
That's why I stay.

The strength, power, beauty, foundation, resilience, humor, love and dominance that radiates off of you has me in a trance.  If only this was forever because I hate standing a few feet away from you.  Soo close, yet soo far.

......Ninja, Vikings, blood, conquest, SWORDS!!!  That had nothing to do with this but had to break that feeling real quick.

Oh well...I guess I'll see you again when you get some time.  Hit my line anytime and I'm always quick to respond back to you.

Fuck you, I love you.  FUCK!!!!!!!  Lol

Yo!

Hey.  It's been awhile, I know lol.  Just another journal log that felt right.  I can't really fully describe what's going on with and around me at the moment.  I'll try:
-album is being mastered
-my anger spits out in darker ways that I immediately have to knock, harder than before.  Mostly alone, I never want to and hate having to react on it
-intimacy and love?  I'm still looking but I'm entertaining
-work sucks but whatever
-SEX!!!!!!  Would be nice
-CONSISTENT SEX!!!!!  Would be better
-CONSISTENT INTIMATE SEX!!!!!!  Would mean I'm finding someone
I think I'm looking for love more nowadays.  I hope where I'm finding some ain't a dark place but I feel it that way.  When someone can't be with you....fuck it, I put the burden on myself already.  I just know to step away at some point.

My emotions have been mixed.  I still find the light and perservere through the day but I'm at that point where I'm asking myself, "Am I struggling?"  To perservere is one thing but to struggle is another.  My mind was clouded for the past few months.  I cut back on weed to clear it.  I took a "Life break" in a sense where I didn't workout, didn't take food notes, surface cleaned the apt, a few other things for a couple of weeks.  I wanted a self-vacation.  A vacation from myself and some disciplines to unwind and not lose myself.  I even took a fun trip to California with Chris and Gene and I got what I wanted.  Longer time would have been dope but it is what it is.

I still feel a lot of pressure right now.  My side of the job may fold at some point but there's a light.  My album is being mastered and the back and forth with the engineer.  I want to perform more, eat more and struggle less.  I don't even know if I'm struggling because I always find perserverance and focus on that inspiration.  Shout out to always pushing my willpower...and Hatebreed all those years ago🤘🏾 forever thankful for Jamey Jasta and Reggie for putting me on.

I'm writing this because I felt the need to have something new posted on here.  I thought I would vent, instead kind of an update.  I'm good, PEACE!

Isolating myself won't help this time.  A lonely journey might be the wave.  Just to get away while doing something.  I long for solace right now.  Is it my own head or am I right?  And I really don't want to be right.  Just going to let Life play out, keep my composure and take care of myself.  PEACE!!

TAKE THIS DARKNESS, EVIL, NEGATIVITY WHATEVER AWAY FROM ME!!!  The conflict is killing me....I don't like it.  I HATE IT!!!  I don't want it.  You can have it.  This shit ain't cool.  I repressed a lot of anger for the greater good of myself and others.  I know I'm not good tonight because I'm saying, "fuck the greater good" to myself.  I must control myself even more because this outcome would not be good for myself, fuck others at this point.  I got to live for me!!  This is my Life.  I don't care how anyone looks at it.
You don't have to live with me but I have no other choice but to live with my decisions.  If I end up alone, I hope it's for my greater good.  Selfish but I have to live for myself.  KILL THIS EVIL IN ME!!!!  I DON'T LIKE IT!!!