Finding Myself

June so far has been a rollercoaster month.  Ups and downs all over but not from outside forces, it's all been internal.  It's all been from inside of me.  I'm at a point where I'm (I guess) trying to find myself, getting to know me, working on me if you will. 

A lot has changed in me since my enlightenment experience.  I've been more positive in my thinking, I've been trying my best to eat better(I'm cooking more often now), I'm focusing more on my spirituality, live better, I'm working on making me better.

Every now and then I feel a low point.  I guess this is me testing my own will power but I don't even know.  I don't even know what's going on in me.  Do I blame me starting to smoke weed?  No.  Do I blame it on me being easily influenced?  Maybe?  I always had a way of letting outside forces in on my life.  Maybe I should just shut out to the world?....  I'm really considering it.

I just want to establish peace within myself.  I thought I had it when I felt I had woken up spiritually, but I guess I fired that gun too soon.  I feel it now in burst.  WHAT HAPPENED TO IT ALWAYS BEING THERE?!!! 

Apart of me wants to cry, I can't even lie about that.  Apart of me wants fight something or someone, but who do I really have to fight?!  NOBODY!!!  The only person I feel like I'm fighting is myself!  Maybe it's just my lack of sex....  lol now that was just an excuse...  or maybe hmmmmmmmm.... lol..........-__-

I want answers but I have a lot of questions.   I want to live fearlessly but I have doubts.  I want to accomplish goals but I can't help but feel like I'm stopping myself.  I tell myself all the time, "You are always getting stronger" but why do I feel soo weak right now?

I WANT TO BE FREE!!!!!

I feel like I'm enslaving myself!!!  Mental slavery...  I hated that term when they use it to say that us black people are still enslaved by The Man but in a mental way due to our enviroment and the situations of poverious communities.  My answer to mental slavery was always something like this "So you're enslaving yourself?  Didn't think "The Man" had a mind control mechanism to tell you not to uplift yourself beyond your community and surroundings" but that's how I feel right now.

I'm always the first to admit when I'm down, defeated, wrong, messed up, et cetera so here I am admitting it, I'm down, I feel defeated, something is going wrong in me, I'm messed up in the brain right now and all that other good shit that explains what I'm going through.

Hey! God, Universe, something out there HELP!!!!!!!!! 

When I felt like I woken up spiritually I litterally felt like the Universe was walking side by side with me.  I even talked to it, like it was my homie.  Call me crazy but I had conversations with the Universe.  I might have just been talking to myself but it felt soo...  Real.

I felt the Universe was kinda like another person to me.  I showed it the same kind of respect, the same kind of love that I would show anybody from a friend, relative or stranger.

I'm tired of using the term 'unconditional love' because I've used it soo much it sounds cheesy but that's what I felt!  A love that didn't care what I did it just loved me...  I didn't feel alone.

I really wasn't alone.  HELL!!!  I felt more alive than I ever did!!!!  I felt like nothing could stop me, the only thing that could stop me was myself and I ask myself "Why would I stop myself?"

You got to fully believe you can be free to be free!!  It's all a mental game that I'm trying to master.  The power of my thoughts on myself and the power of my words on myself and others.  I WANT TO BE GREAT!!!!!  I WANT THE WORLD TO BE A GREAT AS IT CAN BE TOO!!!!!  WE ARE ALL LIMITLESSLY GREAT!!!!

I guess I really had to shut up myself on Twitter and Facebook because I knew I would start my peaceful preaching or I would send out my text messages of "Weekly Words of Positivity" to my loved ones but now I see, in order to help the world you must first help yourself.  I thought I had helped myself but there is always a new challenge for yourself.

Mentally, I'm crying.  Physically, it translate to me stopping myself.  Maybe I'm perfectly fine and I'm just battling myself for no reason and no reason at all.

Of course everything could be a lot better but FUCK IT!!  I'm better than it all!!  I'm better than this money, I'm better than my enviroment, I'm better than the situations we put ourselves in, I'm fucking better!!!  I'm a person!  I'm a regular guy who knows that we're all above all that!  All these material things bring us down because we worship them!

We're all worth millions of bricks of Gold.

To find myself again...  To realign with my spiritual self again...