I'm buying a car later today.  It's 4:10am and all I can think about is how my mother will react.  She blessed with a beautiful savings but we agreed that I wouldn't touch it.  Of course, I can it's in my name.  She even said that ultimately I can do whatever I want with it.  Basically it's a test to see how long can I hold it, so she could bless me with more.  The thing is, my Life has literally been getting off balance because I don't have a car.  Since this year began, the solution to most that has been going on in my Life is a car.  She gave me this savings 2 months ago.

My Life has been moving much faster in the past year or more.  I've been using Uber and Lyft for very very small things because I've been performing more and moving around more to get my Life on track.  I've been hanging on by a thread through it all.  Maintaining but always with a "that could've gone way worst" at the end.  Now it's starting to effect things at my job and relationship with people because I'm not 100% self-reliant with transportation.  I had to Uber $20 for a mic stand recently and small situations at big cost have been happening like that more and more.

When will the worst happen? 

How can I save money, when I'm draining myself to maintain?  I'm basically taking the bird in the hand.  I love my mother and I thank her soo much but I can't wait on another potential blessing when A) I don't know what exactly this potential blessing is whether it's cash or anything else or even worth the wait.  B) my future is moving increasingly faster with the investments and moves I made by myself already.  C)  I'm hanging in there but my thread has 100% been getting weaker and weaker.

Why is this an issue?

My mother is very negative.  She means well but when she doesn't understand something, not used to something or outside of her world, she'll belittle, talk down upon you, insult you, scorn you or do something negative, very maliciously but with a smile of obliviousness to her negativity.  She's very rude.  Very hurt.  Extremely traumatized of her abusive past.  She lived like a hermit most of her Life out of protection.  That definitely made sense for her but didn't help me at all.

My mother had 2 children by time she was 19-20.  She had me at 30.  Before she had any children, she was abused by her mother and other relatives physically and sexually, into her teens.  She ran away and met my older brother and sister's father, to live with him and his family, to only be abused by him as well and living in a house full of future drug addicts, who were having a lot of "fun" calling her corny and making fun of her all the time.  About a decade or more of that, she escapes.  She would eventually meet my father who is a certified complete piece of shit, to this day(like admitted some sexually predatory shit that I brought up to my mother about him, in about 2013 and he acted like it was perfectly fine, when she called him up about it, piece of shit level).  Breaks up with him, meets a man named Reggie, who gave me some of my earliest memories: my mother screaming for mercy through a door and getting violently abused, multiple times.  By the way, my older brother and sister's father wasn't completely out the picture either, still in his old ways too.  She breaks from all that, gets back with my father to marry him and he sexually assaults my sister(that he had because he was cheating on my mother in the 80s) during an Atlantic City trip, abuses me out of "discipline", wildly open cheating on her.  They divorced my freshman year of high school.

I say that to say this, the hermit Life is best for her but not me.  I don't have those obstacles in my way.  What makes this hard is when you've been through all that throughout your Life going into your 40s, there's not much of the outside world you're going to understand.  That's what makes my mother's relationship hard with my brother, sister and I.  We know she means well but it's always blade of negativity waiting.  I'm 31, finally seeing exactly how far these things go deep.  My brother and sister already keep her at an arm's length because it's very stressful to deal with her.

My sister recently almost got into a fistfight with her because my mother didn't agree with how she lived.  My sister was having crazy anxiety attacks, passing out and basically on the verge of potential death when she moved in with my mother about 2 years ago.  Turns out that might've been for the worst because it got worst because my mother only knows abuse and forced submission.  She moved out a few months ago.  My brother lost a college D2 athletic scholarship because my mother simply didn't understand.  He also tried helping her in her abuse only to get beat up or her to tell him that he's wrong and side with her abuser, primarily Reggie.  He resented her for years, from his teens to maybe late twenties or early thirties.

How does this fold into the car purchase and the savings?

I'm going to get belittled, I'm going to get insulted, I'm going to experience her negativity.  It's all she knows.  She even wants me to show her bank statements to monitor the money she gave me.  This wouldn't be a problem if she didn't have her ways.

I always wondered why my mother would just come into the house and insult me when I was younger for no reason.  I thought it was her way of releasing frustration at work.  Come to find out from my sister who just moved out from bert house THAT'S STILL NORMAL!!  She hasn't changed.  It's as if she's on the defense all the time and she attacks first before there's any indication that there was malice coming her way.  My stepfather, who has his limitations, gets insulted and belittled by her all the time according to my sister.  This man literally is soo passive that if you do anything to him it's already understood that YOU are the one that's wrong.  He's illiterate, almost autistic in a sense but manageable because of his physical strength and work ethic of subordination, because that's all he ever had since Jamaica.  He literally can't do but soo much on this world, especially in America.  Passive because how can he be malicious?  He literally doesn't know what's going on sometimes.  He's very childlike.  He cooks, cleans up when she's at work and keep the house straight and she applauds this to everyone about him but when no one is looking, she's the abuser.

My mother's abuse is the kind that smiles in your face.  In her world, if she didn't hit you it's not abuse or a problem.  In fact, she can say anything thing she wants by the excuse of "that's how she feels, that's her honest emotions" and you're suppose to just accept that and never score your honest emotions, unless is positive towards her.

I wish my mom would understand how wicked she can come off.  I wish she would acknowledge her past.  I wish she could see how it still affects her.  She yells that I need to go to therapy for my ways but it's all assumed really because of a much, much younger me that's long matured since.  I suggested therapy to her but "she's fine".  I suggest family therapy, which my brother and sister agree to, but to her we are attacking her.  My mother 100% doesn't see her flaws and it's affecting our family.

It never made sense why wherever I would scream and get engaged, that would be the only times I would get her attention and she wouldn't talk over me.  It never made sense why when I would give her the cold shoulder, that's when I would see her most love.  It never made sense why people saw me as a disrespectful child.  I now understand, it was my only way to get her attention.  She only responds to abusive nature.  My brother even cosigned this.  He never yelled but his cold shoulder was very cold to her.  My sister would reach out but to no response before she even moved in.  It basically took her on the verge of death to understand my sister's divorce situation and issues.  It was the only time she would've listened; very dark negativity.

How will a sheltered woman understand establishing your own business in art at a matured age?  How would a secluded woman understand investment and profit, when all she knew was a stationary Life of slow progression?  How would a defensive person understand living Life free of worry?  Unnecessary worry at that.  How?  If that's all you know and you're 60+, how would anybody else's Life be understandable?  All she knows is living Life with a guard because the minute she drops it a little, the world comes to attack.  Her problem is when she drops her guard it's never fully down and moves accordingly.  She'll only put a little down and still be defensive on the attack, leaving her open.  She never fully dropped it and she's always attacking.  A moment of peace has to be followed by destruction with her.  It could never be too good.

Mom....please stop attacking.  Fuck the car.  Mom, please get a hold of yourself.  You have unneeded stress in your Life that's either far gone from the situation or....not even there.  We love you and do not hate you.  We want a completely loving mother.  The loving defensive mother NEEDS TO LEAVE!!!  IMMEDIATELY!!!!!

I love you.  I'm going to live my Life according to my Life.  I won't let her negativity hold me back any longer.  It's her fear that guides her.  I don't have that fear at all.  I don't need to operate as if Ib have 3 children and running from the world.  There's a lot of darkness that my mother brought upon me.  I listened to her multiple times because it would keep her worry quiet or avoid an argument but I can't operate like that around her any longer.  This is my Life.

The issues with my father ironically turned out to be a lot easier to handle than my issues with my mother.  He's a piece of shit.....and we're done with that.  I never need to see him or associate myself with him again, outside of legality that he is my biological father on paperwork(if it ever comes up).  The issues with my mother hurt sooooooooooooo much because I absolutely want her in my Life until the very end!!!!  This conflict will hurt me soo much until it's resolved somehow.

Mom, I love you.  Tam loves you.  Anthony loves you.  We love you and only want to see you get better.  You haven't needed to move like a hermit for a very very long time.  Those days have long since been gone.

What I do with this car purchase is basically be the person she could've been.  I have no children, my own apartment and investment in my own art for work.  I have soo much potential that all I need to do is have all my things aligned for myself asap.  This car is basically the equivalent of a loose end, thanks to this savings by her.  I'm soo grateful for it but I have to break that promise to achieve my potential.  In the end, I hope you understand my perspective and understand how appreciated you are.  I just want the negativity to go away.  You don't need it anymore.  Your guard is completely useless, especially with your family.  We love you.