Sometimes I want to rip the heads off every single person.  Then I want to hug and love all, including my enemies if I have any.  I have a battle of great rage and love.  I had something more meaningful to add to that but my mothers voice popped in my head of her claiming I have an anger issue.  I don't but thanks for putting that negativity in my head, maybe now I will.

By 'ripping heads off' it's figurative of course but fuuuuuuuuck!!!  The amount of deep breathes, meditations I take could be documented in my notes but nah.  When the moment hits, let it hit and walk away.

I found a lot over the past few years with myself.  A new calm, perspective, focus, drive, energy and all that good stuff while....Not changing a thing.  How?

January 26, 2012 has been a date that I've grown attach to because of that wild ass mind trip I went on and let go of soo much.  It feels like I've let go of everything but a new day, a new hurdle appears but it's cool.  I handle what I need to and how I need to.

Soon I'll be 30 and I know a lot of people who just quit on Life but I haven't gotten any reason to.  Hopes, dreams, aspirations and goals.  Yes, I'm striving for my ideal Life because IT'S FUCKING IDEAL!!  Idealism is not a pipedream that disappears because everything didn't go perfect, quite the opposite.  It's striving for the perfection of yourself and your Life, despite the cost because you want that light at the end of the tunnel.

If you see the light, reach for it!  Until my Life is in complete darkness, I'll go for the light I want.  There are millions of bulbs out here, mine still works.  I don't like talking about my path with people who only wanted a family, job and end.  Or people who quit on their idealism(typically right before 30 too).  I especially hate talking to 40+ who live in "what if?"  I've talked the flip side as well, 40+ who succeeded.  They aren't the richest but are soo happy, free and burdenless of themselves.  They don't live in 'what if?' They live in 'what else?'

There soo many ways to become burdened.  Burdens of self is about the times you already used and can't get back.  How did you use your time?  I'm probably way past my quarter-Life crisis of wondering "what am I going to do?"  But I'll say I'm still in it for now as motivation lol.  I know my path and I laid down soo much groundwork for myself, that I have to walk at some point.  Patient in my process.  Soon some major steps for me is going to be coming my way and I'm sure as hell am going to walk them.

It might not look like from the outside looking in but.....who the fuck is somebody else, anybody else to your own Life?  NOTHING.  I can choose to give you weight in my Life or kick you out.  This is my Life's path.  If you choose to walk with me, you can.  I may or may not walk with you though.  We all don't walk in the same direction.  Cross paths, intertwine, but we have to do what we need for ourselves.  So, I have to do what I need for myself.

It might sound selfish but self-love and care can soo be that at times.  If you never isolated yourself from the world, no phone, friends, sex, intamacy not even jacking off(that part was reaaaaally hard) you won't understand that, and I REEEALLY love fucking.  Sometimes you have to sacrifice the world for your own world.

Balance and patience.  Gaining confidence of me.  Those invaluable things that can't be touched have soo much importance in every single aspect of your Life.  In what do you not need confidence, patience or balance?  That list could go on but you better find the balance of yourself to cover the flaws that make us all vulnerable to different types of attacks and pressures.  At least for me.  This is my own damn private blog.

December's tend to be very stressful for me.  In some way, something goes out of wack and this December was a crazy one.  Financial is the most consistent plight in my December's but this year added a few more turns that I really don't want to get into.  I was scared, I was angry and very hateful because of it.  A lot of violent thoughts that I had to force away because thinking of those scenarios felt really good and relieving for the moment.  I know what works in my Life and violence never panned out for me.  Self defense, I'm ironically undefeated.  It's malice that I've lost in in someway; don't touch me.

Welp, day is a new year and no I didn't write this for the new year.  Today was just another blog vent.  I did get home early, cleaned and cook while playing Slayer 'Hell Awaits' and Cam'ron 'The Program'.  There was something calming and reflective about it.  I don't like being superstitious but it was kinda cool when it was over.  Aight, I'm out PEACE!!!!

HXC